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The scene:
AJ, 4ish, and CS, 2ish, and I are at a Christmas party. The children need to pick out their gingerbread shapes to decorate. CS whispers to me that she wants a bear.
AJ to the gingerbread giving man: “And a bear for the missus!”

The scene: watching a movie.
LW at 5?ish: I want to watch til its raining words.
(credits running)

The scene: walking in the rain
AG at 2ish: Rain is God peeing from the sky.

The scene: I’m driving. Behind me is a CE, a 4 year old girl whose parents are liberal Catholics, SB, 6, whose parents are Jewish, and AG, whose parents are…I have no idea.
CE: God was in jail.
SB: God is everywhere, even in buildings.
Me: Really?
SB: Yes.
Me: CE, do you mean Jesus?
CE: Yeah. Jesus.
AG: Jesus wasn’t in jail. They just nailed him up.

The scene: I’ve just put JP (nearly 7) and CE (4.5) in bed. I come back in to see them sitting up.
Me: Are you watching for your mom and dad?
JP: Vanessa? What if our parents died in a car crash?
Me: What would happen?
CE: We would have to walk to the orphanage.

The scene: lying in the grass. SB, 6, NJ, nearly 6, and TO, 5, are around.
NJ: Now I will put your penis to sleep.
Me: No thank you. And I don’t have a penis.
SB: Girls have baginas.
TO: No, girls have VA-ginas.
NJ: [pause] But girls can still pee!

LW at 9: What does your shirt say? This is what a…
Me: Feminist looks like.
LW: What’s a fenimist?
Me: A feminist is someone who believes men and women are equal. For example, that women should get the same amount of money as men for doing the same job.
LW: Oh. Then I’m a fenimist too.

The scene: I’ve locked myself out of CM’s (2ish) house.
Me (muttering) Shit.
CM’s mom comes home.
Me: We got locked out of the house.
CM: And then Vanessa said shit!

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