My Ankle (A Skit with lots of Swearing)
Please note: all events herein are true. Dialogue has been recreated.
LOCATION: the gym
THE SITUATION: crash landing a front tuck
TIM the gymnastics instructor: Hmm. Ice?
TIM: is it both ankles? (HINT)
ME: Yup but the left is worse.
TIM: Hmm, well good thing your sister isn’t here (she tends to react badly to my getting hurt)
ME: uh huh, she’d try to get me to go straight to the ER.
TIM: Nah, you only do that if it’s really swollen…I didn’t hear a crack.
ME: I heard a little sound but I’m not sure….
VARIOUS PEOPLE over the course of the next 6 days: Wow, you’re ankle is so swollen and bruised!
ME: yeah, yeah, it’s just a sprain.
SIX DAYS LATER
DR. RYAN, TOTAL FUCKING IDIOT BUT I DONT KNOW THIS YET: So how’d you break your ankle?
ME: It’s not broken.
DR. RYAN: …..
DR. RYAN: okay, well, it opened like a book, and I need to do surgery right away and insert a plate.
A COUPLE WEEKS LATER
XRAY!MIKE: How are you feeling?
ME: Fine, my left ankle doesn’t really hurt, but my right ankle does a lot, even though the left is the one that you just put a plate in. (HINT)
XRAY!MIKE: well, isn’t that the one you’ve had trouble with before?
blah blah blah, time passes, etc.
DR RYAN: so it’s been a year, all healed up?
ME: Yeah, although my right ankle is…loose.
DR RYAN (twists right ankle) Shit! Let’s do a stress xray.
DR RYAN: Holy shit, Mike, look at this!…Vanessa, your ankle is really, really loose, and if you don’t get it surgically repaired it will break and you will be really arthritic when you’re older.
DR. RYAN: I can do something called a modified Brostrum, blah blah blah.
SIBLEY NURSE: okay, here are the drugs!
ME: Dad, how did Dr Ryan say the surgery went?
DAD: well, he said there wasn’t a lot to work with…
a week later
DR RYAN: How’s it feel?
ME: fine, it doesnt hurt that much…what happened?
DR RYAN: well, you were missing a ligament. it just wasn’t there. there was just bone. I’ve never seen anything like. But (ALARM BELLS BEGIN TO SOUND) I remember something I read about and tried that.
DR. RYAN: it might not work.
It doesn’t work.
Me: hello various ankle specialists! Oh, look, it’s Dr. McGuigan at Georgetown, a well regarded ankle specialist!
Dr. McGuigan: well, yeah, the first surgery didn’t work, and the scar from that is in a really weird place…you say your ankle just comes out of the joint all the time?
ME: Yup, even walking through Target or something, and it turns over all the time, and if I move it a certain way something–maybe a tendon?–pops out from under the skin…
DR. M: OK, so May 17th for surgery, let’s do it. Do you want a dead person graft or a hamstring graft?
ME: HOLY SHIT.
FACEBOOK: always use your own tissue.
GEORGETOWN NURSE: Oh, your surgery is delayed.
ME: GIVE ME THE DRUGS OR I WILL START HAVING PANIC ATTACKS RIGHT NOW.
NURSE: well…your anathesia person is in the OR….
DR: Here’s one valium.
ME: OH MY GOD and its like THREE and you guys are TWO HOURS LATE.
OTHER NURSE: can’t get an IV in since you haven’t had anything to drink in so many hours. we’ll have to put you out with gas and then put it in.
ME: oh great…
NURSE: okay, its okay.
ME: (crying, lots of buzzing, everyone gathering around me, breathing in gas…)
ME: okay, ready to go home
NURSE: (pushes me back into bed) Ha! your blood pressure is still really high, you aren’t going anywhere.
ME: okay, ready now?
etc etc etc.
a week or so later:
ME: how’d it go?
DR. MCGUIGAN: good. I didn’t have to use a graft after all, I found enough tissue that I could use. blah blah blah staples out cast for 6 weeks etc.
LAYPERSONS SUMMARY OF OR REPORT: first we drained all the blood out. then we cleaned a bunch of dead tissue. then drilled a tunnel thru the bone and knit some tendons together etc.
ME: Gross and SOMEBODY GET ME THE DRUGS, I need at least 2 percocet every 6 hours or I can’t handle the pain.
yada yada yada. many months pass. PT. Ankle gets better and better. After a LONG time I try a little running/jumping. but it still hurts intermintently.
MONDAY: Hello, Kaiser emergency line.
ME: Hi. I had ankle surgery last May and over the past few days my ankle has been hurting a lot more. I can’t go see my surgeon because I have different insurance and my internist hasn’t gotten back to me. Today it really, really hurts to walk, and stairs are almost unbearable, and the last few days it’s been really aching all the time which is new.
NURSE: you should be seen,
NURSE: okay, I can get you into a primary care doc…
ME: I need an ortho.
NURSE: you need a referral.
RECEPTIONIST: That will be $30.
INTERNIST: Here’s a referrel for a podiatrist.
ME: I need an ortho.
INTERNIST: At Kaiser foot and ankle problems are handled by podiatry.
ME:….I paid thirty bucks for THIS?
RECEPTIONIST AT PODIATRY: That will be $40.
PODIATRIST: Right, so, it looks like the pain is where the first procedure was.
ME: It’s really intermittent and some days it doesn’t hurt at all and some days I can barely walk and sometimes stairs are fine and sometimes they are awful and it’s all very confusiing…
PODIATRIST: Right, so a boot for three weeks to see if that helps.
ME: Um. Is this typical?
PODIATRIST: I would expect it to be better by now. Come back in three weeks. We may have to do an imaging study.
NURSE: here’s a boot.
ME: No. that thing is huge, it’s like thigh high. Don’t you have the low ones?
NURSE: Kaiser won’t let us stock them, you can go buy one though.
FIRST TWO PHARMACIES: Nope.
THIRD PHARAMACY: yeah, we have it, $90.
INTERNAL MONOLOGUE THE WHOLE TIME: ARE YOU FUCKERS FUCKING KIDDING ME WITH THIS GODDAMN BULLSHIT DO YOU KNOW HOW LONG I’VE BEEN FUCKING DEALING WITH THIS SHIT?????